How can I not go to bed at night and wake up in the morning not thinking of you? Its impossible. Why do you do this to me during my worst times of the month? Why is it so hard to be just friends?

Too many questions but I really xxxx u

If you follow me on twitter, you would know how extremely pathetic and sad of a person I sound like. Or maybe I am sad.

As Im reading my book at work, filling in the gaps of my life. Almost 20 years now and i'm learning more and more about myself, and life. I am aware that the people around me disagreed to what I chose to believe in all these years and just wants me to be happy. Then I stumbled upon this: Is this how everyone thought of me?

Change

Everyone knows you're not worth anything I've given to you. Without a doubt or a second of consideration would I hesitate to say you are worth it because I know it myself, you arent. I'm ungrateful? Wrong. He knows it himself that I give every drop of my blood in this relationship, how i've been so thankful. I've never stopped giving thanks. But you got to do whats best for you because they dont come from anyone else. Im sorry but on days like this I need to constantly remind myself that I did the right thing, even if I sound harsh. For the past five years, I have dinner at least once a week over at his place, occasionally cooked and stayed, treated them as my own. But before I sink back into emotions let me take myself back to why Im leaving (left). Everytime I log into xx and scroll down i eventually see xx ...xx and I go "whats new? I did the so damn right thing" Thank you for showing how a leopard never changes its spots.

Taiwan 2013, was planned to secure us a little more. And when I found out xxxx 'gossiping' behind me out of 'concern' however filled with unwanted rude comments. It isnt even funny making fun of my relationship, input 'jokes' (its the 21st century so what?) about... which I hate hearing from anyone. Before you start gossiping PLEASE REFLECT ON YOURSELF. Yeah we didnt see this coming but it doesnt matter because we're old enough to handle this and a break up does not mean the trip is cancelled. This would/might be the last trip, idk how we'll progress as friends? I really want to but idk how i'd be able to deal with it. (ugh emotions)

So here is my face with a change and I like it.

Make an impression

Whenever there's 'What is your first impression about me?' talks, everyones opinion about me dao, fierce, scary, blah nth more than that. I do agree because I tend to raise my guard up high until I know a person well enough to be a lil crazy. I prevent anyone from reading me even if that means being judged because I have learnt not to trust anyone. Im really reserved, but I usually am the one breaking the ice because everyone is shy to do so. But Im honestly really nice, everyone has got to admit this! Unless you are one in a million bitch face that repeatedly eats every patience out of me.

Do I want to change my first impression? Yes. But sometimes I tend to be a little forceful and blunt sigh Im sorry but I dont mean it :( I tend to be cuter/nicer/sweeter to people who are older but not my age. People judge too quickly!! And im glad to realise that judging isnt a way to know a person. Put into the shoes of others and you will know.

Confidence

Yknow how girls like stalking girls and sometimes that lowers their self esteem because they arent 'pretty' enough? Dont deny that Im not one of them so many times I wanna dig a hole for myself. I realize guys (single or attached) like stalking girls but do they stalk guys? Apparantly no because they're not gay but we girls arent lesbians either. Are guys that egoistic/confident to not want to improve themselves? Why is it necessary for guys to have a little 'feast' with their eyes. Maybe it applies to a minority of girls too but I dont understand this at all. Is it necessary? I guess its just me and my cat like traits. Curiosity kills the cat? The below explains alot on how a girl changes and acts when she's with her boyfriend but how many guys realize this? I would daringly say only 20% maximum. I dont mean to make guys look bad but seriously? It IS that simple.

Path

2013 will not end broken. Neither will it be fixed. The path I chose the steps I take, it will be worth it it will be good.

Slowly I am beginning to cope a lot better. I knew I could. Always had a mind so determined and strong sometimes im not sure if its normal. I've learnt so much, changed so much to be better to put myself in the shoes of others. I havent felt anyone putting me in their shoes but i'll just live with it. Just waiting for someone to be good to me to understand to care to love.